It’s been a very vibey week over here, as the kids say. With the January gloom and long long dark nights, I’ve been listening to Lizzy McAlpine a lot. Like, a lot a lot.

Despite leaving my backpack in the back of a taxi and having to sprint out of a workout class because I was about to either pass out or throw up (and I didn’t care to find out which), this week has been honestly kind of dreamy.

Tagging along on a work trip to NYC, getting a new fluffy goosedown coat, all my seeds coming in the mail, preparing for the first Floricult Garden Party, and finding these old oil paintings and a copy of The Last Whole Earth Catalog at an estate sale.

*(*If this catalog looks familiar, it’s because Baker Seeds has replicated the look for their annual Whole Seed Catalog to honor the spirit of it — and I do love it.*

We went to MAN/WOMAN & Welcome Edition for NYC market week to sample F/W 2023 clothing for the shop. But most importantly I got to visit the deVOL kitchen design studio showroom.

I have felt so lucky to have my friends, to have a very small nephew who wants to FaceTime me so we can eat breakfast together, and to be back in Science School as I call it.

Despite the dreaminess, there is a very strange chaos wrecking havoc in my body and I cannot place it. I do not know if it is physical, mental, emotional — likely all, because this is how bodies are. It is manifesting in such slight and unusual symptoms I could not even describe and so I will not, but it is unpleasant and unsettling.

I really did not want to write this week because my brain is mumbo jumbo. All my morning pages look like this lately:

The one trait I have come to be grateful for in myself is that when things are broken, I fix them. Or at least I try, very very hard.

Morning pages has brought me to realizing I’ve had a bad relationship with Order and Discipline, as many of us do growing up in a very high control (or very low control) home. It is no surprise that my word last year was Practice and looking back it was the baby steps to the most unlikely word possible for this year: Order.

The idea of Order to me feels the same way that Comfort feels in my body. We are orderly creatures, are we not? All the parenting specialists say how important simplicity and order are for children, and children are humans too. There was no magic transformation that took place when we turned 18. We are still the child we were so long ago. Why would we not work to offer this to our small human self?

We all want order and I suspect so many periods of depression or anxiety in life has been caused by not being able to experience it because it is genuinely difficult. I will never forget an Important Person on NPR saying, “if you want to be happier, do less.” The less I Do, the more Order I can create.

So, as a first step, I am cancelling the work required for Food — an area I ironically feel the most distressed by in the winter months when so little is growing and meal planning is a time suck.

All of our algorithms have been making us feel we should be crafting these elaborate, Instagram worthy plates for each meal and this month I am rejecting it fully. I wrote down 2 breakfasts, 2 lunches, and 2 dinners that I enjoy that give my body what it needs — and that is what I have been eating and will continue to eat.

It is boring, but the relief is profound.

As I continue my pursuit of Order, I am cleaning out closets, drawers, and throwing away everything I can spare. I am going back to the gym until summer work begins. I am deleting emails by the hundreds and unsubscribing from everything. I am sticking to my morning routine of tea, oatmeal, and morning pages.

If you missed last week, here are 3 unusual perennials to put in your yard this year. If you are trying to start seeds soon and need help, I made this for you. If you haven’t read my magnum opus on BEANS, you must. If you are free Wednesday night (Feb 1st) is our monthly Virtual Garden Club and you’re welcome to join. And lastly, if you are overwhelmed trying to plan your garden, this Garden Calendar may help.

Next week I will share all the cut flowers I’m growing this year! 🌸🌸🌸 And if you missed what I’m growing in my spring veggie garden you can see that here.

Until then, give me your advice and epiphanies around Order. I want ‘em, need ‘em, crave ‘em.

Lauren

survival is a shrine, not the small space near the limit of life - diedrick brackens

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